Jelly Belly

To: helpdesk@jellybelly-uk.com

Subject: My Belly and your Jelly.

Dear Mr J. Belly,

I believe that your product is a taste sensation. I really do. In fact, for those of us on a low income, your product is a portal to the aristocracy. Surely only celebrities can afford to dine on such delights as "crushed pineapple" and "french vanilla".

It is because of your product that I can, on those rare of occasions, feel like the rich and famous of our world. In fact, you have inspired me to such a degree, that i have developed the "Jelly Belly Aristocrat Reflector".

"Whats that!?", I hear you yell. Well, I'll tell you.

It's a mirror specially designed with a top-hat emblazoned on the top third - so when a person is tucking into his "french vanilla", he can truly feel like a gentleman (or lady) of leisure.

However, I have a problem. I have spent my entire budget on the prototype mirror and can no longer afford your fine product to test it with.

Would it be possible to get a sample pack to try it with? Perhaps you could include my photographs in your newsletter?

Yours in anticipation,

Jez.



Dear Jerry James (Jez)

It's not often we get such rare and brilliantly grovelling requests - even for freebies - but we've decided that as a Jelly Belly Aristocrat you have got to be in the big league of knowing the right thing to say at the right time. We will work out some way to make you a Jelly Belly Ambassador but in the meantime, we do need your address!

Sweet good wishes

Jelly Belly



Dear J Belly,

How are you? Thank you for your delightful response, you truely are all things sweet and good. I am intrigued by your invitation to become a Jelly Belly ambassador. What would this job entail? What would the pay be like?

I'm hoping that i will be payed in Jelly Beans, perhaps you could create a ceremonial "Gold Bullion" flavour for my inauguration as the official ambassador. Will there be a ceremony?

My address is:

11 Sandford Way,
Littleton Village,
Berrysford,
England.

Thanks for your time,

Official Ambassador of the Bean (A.O.T.B)
Jez.



Dear Jez

Not sure we can rise to a ceremony or even a Gold Bullion flavour but the role of Jelly Belly Ambassador is important nonetheless. We require you to pledge loyalty (which you have already done beautifully) to the good name of Jelly Belly and know in your heart that it is the very BEST jelly bean in the whole world (box ticked).

From here it is just a simple matter of your letting us have any Jelly Belly recipes that your brilliant and creative mind can dream up from time to time and put in a good word about us to your long list of imporant and aristocratic friends. At some point we will have to come clean about your reflector hat even though you probably want to keep it a trade secret. You must bear in mind however, that there may come a time when the world will quite simply have to know about it. We certainly want to know!

Yours in superior sweetness
Jelly Belly



Dear J Belly,

Thank you for your kind gift of 595g of your delectable beans. I assume they were my inauguration gift as the New Ambassador. I can truely say they were delightfully delicious and Splendidly Superb. I particularly enjoyed combining island punch, root beer, and strawberry daiquiri.

But after that concoction I can tell you, I was quite the drunk ambassador. In fact, I was so drunk I fear I may have made quite the fool of myself with the Countess of Essex (she's my fancy thing). None the less, this slight bed time mishap brought my attention to something quite dire. Upon waking in the morning (with the countess, of course), I went to make breakfast, and, as always, I started to combine flavours of bean. And do you know what I found? Dinner is fine; have some Jalepeno, Elevensys is fine, have a Cappuccino, Tea? Have some peanut butter.

But breakfast? now thats a connundrum. In the end I had to settle for some toast, which I promptly burnt (resulting in another midnight clinch between me and the countess being unlikely - she is not a fan of burnt toast).

So, I was thinking, perhaps a buttered toast flavour maybe in order, or perhaps for us british, a delightful battenberg bean?

What do you think?

Yours beanilly,

The Ambassador of the Bean,
Jez

NO REPLY

Noah and the Whale

To: Coalition Group
From: Jerry James

Hello Barry,

I have a question which has been playing on my mind for several days now. Does the band name "Noah and the Whale" really make any sense?

I've thought about it, and i understand Noah wanted two of each animal onboard his love Ark. But does this really count for aquatic life forms? Perhaps the Whales just swam slowly next to the Ark?

Also, the term whale appears to be singular, and Noah definately operated in pairs, otherwise it would make his whole Ark idea a bit pointless.

So here is my suggestion. Perhaps the band name should be changed to something both catchy and logical. Here is my thought (drum roll):

"Noah And The Whales Swimming Next To His Ark"

What do you think?

Jez

NO REPLY

Potatonews.com

To: Info@potatonews.com
From: Jerry James

Dearest Bennie,

It seems i have found a kindred spirit! For several years i thought i
was the only person dedicated to potatoes.

anyway, down to business.

Did you know it was possible to make a jacket out of potatoes? You heard
me right. I have created the worlds first official potato jacket. I call
it the "jacket potato".

Would you be interested in featuring it on your site?

I hope this is ap(peal)ing to you!

Jez



Hey Jez,

Thanks for your message. Bring it on, pal - let's have a picture of that
jacket potato!

Greetings from Canada,
Bennie

Steamboat.org.uk

To: web@steamboat.org.uk

Ahoy there matey!

How are you? I have been an avid "steamer" for all of my young life, and more! Finally i have completed six years hard work.

I have completed the "Kettlerthon 3000".

"Whats that!?" I hear you yell.

Well, i'm pleased to tell you it is the worlds first kettle powered steam boat. Thats right, i have managed to harness the power of 450 kettles to sail the open seas.

Would you like to join me on board for a cup of steaming hot tea? (you don't need to bring a kettle).

Perhaps we could write an article together for your fine website?

Yours in steamy anticipation.

Jez

NO REPLY

Subway

To: Subway
Subject: BMT

Dear Mr Subway,

I recently purchased a foot long BMT from one of your fine
establishments. This happens to be one of my favourites in your range,
and i make the effort to have at least one a day. However, on this
occasion, the BMT was not all the title suggests. It was Big. It was
Meaty. But it was NOT tasty.

Please recompense in a suitable manner.

Yours in Health,

Jez.



Hi,

Which store was your BMT from and why wasn't it tasty? Thank you and kind regards

Jaymie

Jaymie Peters On behalf of Suzanne Phillips
Customer Services Representative



To: Customerservice
Subject: RE: BMT

Dear Jaymie Peters ,

How are you? Thank you for your kind and prompt response to this delicate matter. As i said, the BMT was both big and meaty - attributes which i have come to expect from your fine range. However, nestled within this meatiness was a sub-par (pun intended) selection of salads. Indeed, i would go so far as to suggest the lettuce was limp and brown in its nature. I will not even discuss the tomato's, which i felt were a travesty to all things red.

When will i be receiving recompense? I wish to get back to using your store as frequently as i used to (at least once a day), but i feel i can not until this issue has in someway been resolved.

I look forward to hearing from you,

Jez



Hi Jerry,

To take this further I need to know which store you purchased the Sub from?

Thank you and kind regards

Jaymie Peters

Customer Services Representative



Dear Jaymie,

Thank you for yet another prompt response. I believe it was from a Wellington branch. I'm hungry. And i can't wait to resume eating at your fine establishments again.

Yours in anticipatory hunger,

Jez



Dear Mr. James,

Thanks so much for emailing us about the issues you've had in regards to the freshness of our vegetables. We do get fresh vegetables delivered 3 times a week so there shouldn't be any problems - however I will be discussing this with the franchisee who will in turn discuss it with her staff to ensure that the correct ordering is taking place and to ensure that customers get the freshest veg possible.

If you would kindly email me back with your postal address I will ensure the franchisee sends out a voucher for you so hopefully you'll be able to come back into our store for a BMT with fresh veg!

Thanks again for contacting us and if you have any other issues please don't hesitate in contacting me.

Regards,

Sally Dickens
Development Manager
Subway Development



Dear Sally,

How are you? Thank you kindly for your prompt response. I am most impressed with your customer service.

You receive fresh veg three times a week? wow. Its with good reason that you are the number one sub shop in the town (at least in my mind).

My postal address is as follows:

1 Banbury Crescent,
Old Villa's,
Clundonberry,
CY8 7PG.

I will look forward to my sub, and will definately continue to use your most delightful of franchises.

Thank you in advance.

Jez
P.S please ensure you send a voucher and not an actual sub. A sub would not fit through my letter box. And i fear the lettuce would be lacking in freshness!!



Dear Mr. James,

Well it's not very often an email makes me giggle and yours did - your PS was very funny!!! I will ensure the franchisee sends out a voucher and not a Sub! Glad I could be of assistance and if you have any issues in the future please feel free to contact me.

Regards,
Sally Dickens
Development Manager
Subway Development



Hello again Sally!

How are you? I hope you are still well.

It appears your wellington staff are ignoring direct orders from the development manager! (thats you Sally, i don't think there is another development manager is there?). I am yet to receive my vouchers in the post and it has been quite some time. I'm getting a crick in my neck from looking at the letter box!

Are the vouchers on there way? I'm getting mighty peckish!

Yours in achey necks,
Jez



Hi Jerry - did the letter eventually arrive?

Regards,
Sally Dickens



Hello Sally,

It is nice to hear from you. I was just wondering how you were doing? I feel we have become close over the past few weeks!

Thank you for your kind email. I have received the letter, and boy, can i tell you i'm glad. I thought i was going to pass away from hunger!

Now i have to just figure out a way to get to your fine franchise in Wellington , it is quite a way from my home you know! Maybe i'll ride my bicycle there. That should work up quite the appetite!

Jez.



Jez

Glad it came – where do you live?

Regards,
Sally Dickens
Development Manager
Subway Development



Hello Sally,

Your respnse is as prompt as always! I live in Clundonberry , not far from Wellington by car, but i don't drive (i'm scared of engines), so i tend to ride my pedal horse most places.

I'm going to have some tired old legs by the time i reach the hallowed shores of the Wellington branch. I hope i don't have a heart attack!

Jez



Good luck with that!

You could always try it in the Clundonberry store – but I doubt they would take it as they are different franchisees.

Regards,

Sally Dickens
Development Manager
Subway Development


SEVERAL MONTHS LATER....



Good evening Sally!

I was just sitting at home thinking to myself how lucky we all are to have Subways in this world, when you suddenly popped into my mind! I thought to myself, "how rude! you haven't spoken to Sally in months, you should find out how she is!".

So Sally, how are you? I hope you are well and that subway is treating you aswell as you treat your customers. Perhaps you should allow yourself to a subway soon, it must be a hungry task batting off all of the compliments you and your company must receive.

Perhaps we could have a subway together one day? There is a particularly good valentines offer on at the moment!!

all of my favourite wishes!

Jez


Good evening!

Thanks for the lovely email, but I am now engaged and my fiancée gives me all the Subway’s I need! Hope you’re well.

Regards,

Sally Dickens

Development Manager
Subway Development


Ahoy Sally!

Congratulations are in order! I am pleased to hear of your good news. It couldn't happen to a nicer development manager. I'm sure it will be a lovely wedding. I trust the catering company will be subways? it would be foolish not to.

In fact, perhaps you could have a subway themed wedding. Instead of confetti, people could throw Jalepeno's (providing a risk assessment is done). Your dress could be made out of the little wrappers they come in, and your rings could be hollowed out gherkins.

I'd happily organize this for you, i have a hundred other ideas.

Yours in congratulatory merriment,

Jez

NO REPLY